Just one of those days

Today is one of those days. I am thinking that my emotions are worse when winter comes.  Maybe it is because I am limited to what I can do or go.  Not that I can't go anywhere it is just that most places that are nice to go to are at least a drive of 50+ minutes.  I really love going to St. Cloud, but it is a 2 hour drive and a lot of gas for my truck.  Now that I am retired... it is not an expense that I could do often.

Working on a baby quilt right now, which is fun, but sitting in my office, or going and sitting in the living room with the hubs or the most movement would be taking the dog for a walk.  The length of taking the dog for a walk depends on the weather outside.  The less physically active I am, the more depressed I am.  I know that there are a lot of people out there that go through the same thing this time of year, I just did not want to be one of them.  At least I have Facebook where I can see pictures of my kids, grandkids, great-grandkids and other family members to bring my spirits up. And I know life is what you make of it... but I miss hanging with family... that is one of my biggest problems.  Holidays just aren't the same anymore, and I know that it is my problem feeling that way.  I know that Christmas with little ones is not the same since my little ones aren't little anymore.  Oh well, I will just stuff my emotions into the dark places of my head and just work on a craft.

One thing about me

First of all, I made this blog so I could use it like a journal, with the thought that if family and friends wanted to, they could learn a few things that is going on in my head, heart and life.   Facebook is not always the best place for me to put down what I am thinking, feeling or doing.  Sometimes putting these things out there can help, kind of like therapy for me.

Anyway, I am a very emotional person.  Tons of things go through my head that never did before and I think that is because my life was busy and full, I had people around me all the time.  When things first started to change was when my daughter and her family moved away.  Then Tom and I went to visit Sherri and her family in their new home 200+ miles away, to my surprise, Tom loved the area and started looking for a second home.  What I thought would take awhile, happened in a matter of a few months.  Selling our home, Tony moving out, David and Kristine moving out and getting married and finally us moving to the other house.  Leaving most of the family behind along with all of my friends.  Believe it or not, in 25 years of marriage at the time, Tom and I had never really spend time alone learning to live with just each other.  I was not use to being just two of us and trying to fill my time was not easy.

At first most of my time and energy was spent working full time, and gardening.  This was fine for awhile, then everyone else's life got very busy and mine started to slow down a bit.  The more spare time I got, the harder it was to spend time with other friends and family because their lives seems to get busier and changing which made them even busier than before.

Now, I stand in the background watching all of this pass me by.  I have to remind myself that this is the cycle of life whether I like it or not. Sometimes the loneliness that I feel can be overwhelming.  I know that some of you are probably thinking "what a drama queen" and though this may be the way you feel at this time, you may be feeling this way when you family is all grown up, living their own very busy life.  I did mention though that I was a very emotional person and this is how I feel.  Love to you all.

Dog -vs- Children

Been thinking and figured out why our dogs become out babies.  Since my youngest babies don't live close to me, I find that I lean toward my dog for that unconditional love that children give you. I have a dog that is a Shizu/Lapso Apso

She has become our baby.  She has those big brown eyes that stare at you until you give in.  BTW, my grandkids can do the same to me no matter what color their eyes are.  I bring her new toys home all of the time.  It is so bad that she waits in the kitchen for me to go through all of the bags just waiting for something that I have bought her.  She is also a snuggler, curling up right next to me or laying her head right on my shoulder while I am laying in bed.  She follows me all around the house... no matter where I go.... yes even waits for me outside the bathroom door.  I have even had to make room for her on my craft table so she can watch what I am doing.  The only thing that I don't do with the dog is read her books.... well at least not yet.

OUCH.................

I am realizing that at this stage of my life, when I hurt myself, how long it takes to heal from it.  I picked up my dog wrong, wrenched my hip in some way and 5 days later I am still feeling the results.  I have used ice packs, heating pads, Aleve, light exercise and rubs of all kinds, not sure what to do about it now.  To top it off, when I took the dog for a walk today, lost my footing and fell. scraped the knee.  I would be running to my Chiropractor but with no medical insurance, I can't afford to go. I am just going to have to wait this out and hope things get better SLOWLY.

Finally

It has taken me forever it seems, to come to the realization that it is only me and my husband now.  From the age of 18 until the age of 56 I had kids around me that I was raising and taking care of.  When the last of my kids moved out, my husband and I also moved 200+ miles away.  Living in a house with no youngsters coming and going was not easy.  It was way to quiet and I had to learn to totally entertain myself which I forgot how to do.  Not that I was constantly busy with kids all the time, I had a lot of other things that took my time and I had a lot of friends that I did things with.  When we moved I gave all of that up.  I think that I expected to fill all of my time with my daughter that lived only down the road from us.  We moved to a very small country town, and a much larger yard, front and back, that I was never use to.  Learn from my daughter how I could make a garden... and adding lots of flowers.  Did a lot of gardening for the first couple of years... spent a lot of time with daughter and her family, football games, volleyball games, baseball games, ice hockey... then the grand-kids grew up and did their things... every ones's live got so busy.  The gardening did not fulfill some empty holes.  I just could not get over not having someone to take care of since I had done it for 38 years straight.... I just did not know how to be with myself or with my husband alone.  When Tom and I got married, he married me and my kids, so it wasn't like we were ever alone to start with.  We have lived here since 2002 and this fall, I finally realized that I was finally OK with it just being me and my husband.  I finally accepted that all my ADULT children don't need a mother to take care of them. Not that I would give anything the being living close to all of them to hang out with the them.. and the great grand-babies, but that is just the way it is.

Pampered Dog

Our dog has taken the brunt of my free time and the need to make people happy.  Every time I come home from the store she waits in the kitchen at the counter waiting to see what TOY I have brought home for her.  My husband doesn't go along with the basket of many toy that the dog has, but he does his pampering as well.  If she gets a drink of water, he wipes her mouth, if she sneezes, he wipes her nose, etc.  I am sure that the dog doesn't mind all of this attention, but we're old, therefore it is accepted.

More Gardening

I found that I do lots of gardening.  What is funny about that is I plant a lot of vegetables in my big garden of which I can't eat it all, or my husband doesn't eat it as well.  I have even tried the quick freezing part, but several months later I am throwing it out because is has sat in the freezer to long.  


I found my flowering plants get moved around more.  I really don't have any more areas that I could plant things so I move them around.  Some survive and others do not.  


But it keeps me busy and that is important when your retired.